No pun intended

[Dr. Whiplash]

Oldie but goodie...

"THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT" - Anon.

Here are the 10 winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?' they asked as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...ready?...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally...
10. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[jag]

All are good, but I must confess a partiality to numbers 1, 4 and 9.

Keep 'em coming!

[Scott Reppert]

Seven and eight are the only ones that are new to me. I've either heard the others or forms of the others. Is there a site that has like hundreds of puns? There are times when I wish I could "load up" for certain people that are far more accomplished in punstering than I...

[David Paleg]

Is there a site that has like hundreds of puns?

Haven't founded hundreds yet, but here are a few to get you started.

Puns Galore

Web English Teacher

SillyPuns.com

Puns from Worsley School

[jag]

OK, what about the travel agent who was brought up on charges that his ad for a cruise was misleading?

Yep, the headlines read "Tour Allure A Lie."

<groan>

[Jet Black]

A man in a bar met another man who a porpoise for sale that would never die. The first man bought the porpoise, but was told that to keep the porpoise alive and healthy, it had to eat a mina bird each day. At first the man hit pet shops and soon had depleted the entire supply of mina birds in the city. Frantic at the end of a day in which the porpoise had not been fed, the man contrived to break into the local zoo and steal some minas, which were kept in a screened part of a open-type area, where other African animals roamed around in their natural evvironment. Naturally, the man had to take care of the wild animals in the open area to get to the birds, so he brought with him a Wild Kingdom-style tranquilizer gun, which he used on several carnivouraous animals, and subsequently got past the animals and into the bird area, and secured several mina birds. On the way out of the zoo, though, he was apprehened, and the zoo pressed charges. The man was subsequently convicted on the charge of transporting minas across sedated lions for immortal porpoises.

[jag]

Way to go, Jet Black! A rather l-o-n-g way to go for it, but way to go, nonetheless!